When you're due to get up at 3:30am to go to work the last thing you want is somebody waking you up at half-past midnight. That's what my wife did when she had a positive pregnancy test though. Then she was sent for blood tests which confirmed it. Being the forward planner she is, she immediately ordered and bought a pram. A couple of days go by and we head in for our first scan at the hospital. They do not prepare you or warn you whatsoever that they are about to give you big news. "There's two heartbeats, so you're having twins!". Bam. Jawdrop moment. Wave of emotion. What will we do?! I’m one of those dads expecting twins! Well, it turns out we will return a pram and hunt for a twin pram instead!
As with any pregnancy you can never be 100% prepared but in this situation you have doubled the unpredictability. Having a twin pregnancy you fall into a category of high risk pregnancies and therefore have more hospital visits and scans (so get ready for that). My wife suffered terribly with sickness throughout the pregnancy, often completely incapacitated by it. Cue my first daddy duty, cleaning sick buckets etc, and this was just the beginning. By the time we went for our last scan, growth had slowed, so they decided the best course of action would be to get them out. Tomorrow. 24hrs notice on a c-section which my wife had ideally wanted to avoid. There are many days in my life that I've forgotten but that 24hr window will stay with me forever. The day my beautiful babies arrived and changed the world I knew in the most extreme but fantastic way.
Fortunately I don’t know any different and so cant really say if it's harder or easier to have 2 babies but I can tell you a few things I learnt that nobody tells you about twins and multiples.
If you had nothing else to do in the world except look after a child then you might be able to give them enough attention to keep them from crying most of the time. Reality is, we all have things we need to do regularly that stop this from happening, and it's only natural for there to be tears in childhood. When you are caring for twins though, there are certain things you can only do with one at a time, and the other one is going to cry. Changing nappies, playing a game, getting them changed, getting them out of a bath, putting them in a bath, etc etc.
I try to keep it even and fair between them in who does things first but I highly doubt they see it that way. Once you come to terms with the fact that you can’t be in two places at once this things get easier.
If I can make it once round the park without a complete stranger saying one of these witty comments to me then either it's raining or I've forgotten to bring the kids.
Genuinely have no idea why so many people think that we want to hear it, or that they are the first person to ever say it to us.
FYI They're not trouble, they're lovely. Of course I've got my bloody hands full these boys are the size of rugby players. Nothing is buy one get one free, it's buy two pay for two.
Creativity is not something that comes naturally to me, I'm not artistic or particularly emotionally expressive. However, where there's a will there's a way, and having twins gives you a hell of a lot of will. Sure, this is true of all parenting but when you have teething twins who need the nations favourite pain relief product for under 3’s and you don't want to overdose one and give the other nothing, you quickly discover a creative talent you never had. Suddenly I can use two hands to spoon food into two mouths, I can see hazards approaching while simultaneously doing the action song, and I can do 15 voices for 8 characters every night of the week.
Those are my 3 essentials for the early years with twins but there are also questions I know most dads expecting twins will still have running through there heads. I have answered these as best possible below but the answers to these will vary depending on your situation. Hopefully my answers will guide you with your own answers.
There are very few things that you can only buy one of. Clothes, nappies, food, wipes, milk, bedding, toys (generally) will all need to be doubled up. Wherever you can save money, do it. You only need one changing table, one prep machine, one bottle sanitiser, white noise machine, etc. If you or the kids can only use one at a time then don't buy two. Also, high cost items such as a motorised baby basket are not to every child's liking, so if you are going to get them then buy one first and test it out with both babies. Easier to sell one item than two if your babies don't use them or need them.
I expected babies to be a massive financial drain and for us to scrape by, but with proper planning and budgeting you'll get by. We stockpiled nappies and wipes pre-birth and I think we only bought wipes about 1 year in. I would definitely recommend cheeky wipes (or any re-usable wipes) as a more environmentally friendly option.
This will be different for everyone but the biggest thing here is to try and have some sort of support network around you while also working together. Whether that taking it in shifts with your partner or having granparents or aunties and uncles around its gonna help massively.
I was lucky enough to have paternity leave, parental leave and annual leave to give me the first month of my twins lives off work. During this time we were figuring everything out together and pretty much just surviving! Then I returned to work, and eventually my wife returned to work also. We were lucky enough to have a support network in place that meant I could work full time and my wife worked 3 days a week, then later on, full time aswell. I worked earlies (4am till 1pm) and she worked lates (12pm/4pm till midnight). It was a rough couple of years to be brutally honest, working full time and solo parenting when at home.
One of the most important things for dads expecting twins to think about is routine, routine, routine. I absolutely stand by routine. Without a fairly strict routine it would have been impossible to get to this point! When one wakes, we wake the other. When one eats, they both eat. Bedtime routine has been pretty much the same since 4 weeks old. They started skipping a night feed at 14 weeks ish, and have slept well ever since. We never put them down before 7:30pm and never keep them up later than 8:30pm. You need to find the routine that works for you and stick with it.
I’m not going to say I’ve never got it wrong but for me, James was a pound heavier than Max so for the first 6 months I could tell if I picked them up. Then once they developed their own personalities, I could tell them apart after a few moments. Most of the time it's a case of a slightly different physical attribute, like who’s got shorter hair. As long as they both get fed, bathed and the right medicine etc then my job as a parent is done. They have a lifetime of being called the wrong name and also pulling pranks on people so we try not to worry about it too much!
As dads expecting twins there so many more questions you may have and far more things I wasn't prepared for when it came to parenthood. Most of these inside my own head though. The thing is… part of the joy of being a parent is learning the answers to these questions as you get to know your own children. I have many more things to look forward to on my journey, and they are coming faster than I can prepare for. I wouldn't change a single moment though, and I'm becoming proud of the dad my boys are turning me in to.
It’s important that we hear from those of you out there living it. Has this post helped you? Have you got requests or suggestions for more posts focused on twins and multiple births?
Please leave your comments in the section below and share this post and other Dadvengers Posts with other dads and parents. The more the merrier. And remember, Mums, Grandparents, Carers, Parenting Professionals you are an integral part of this. We can’t improve things for dads and help make changes without you. So please help, even if it’s just sharing a post or making a suggestion.
Look forward to hearing from you
Dadvengers
In this post I would like to address the question ‘Why go to baby groups?’. It’s already something that parents ask whether they are male or female, and whether they attend groups or not. Each demographic has their reasons for not wanting to go and I have written a post that tackles the reasons men give for not going to baby groups. If however you don't need convincing and are looking for a Dad and Baby/toddler group in your area. Check out our definitive list of the best Dad and Baby groups in the UK.
I didn’t go to baby groups when my 2 were that age, but looking back and now leading a baby group on the television, I can definitely see how it would have benefitted them, me and other dads. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s a 100% must to attend a baby group, but there are benefits in going. None of them solely restricted to clubs and groups, just sometimes facilitated more easily in this situation.
As many of you with young babies know, going to a group for the first time is not easy. It’s almost like your first day at school. So many questions run through your mind beforehand. What will I do there? Will my baby enjoy it? How many people will be there? Do dads go to this group? Will my baby cry the whole time? Who benefits from this? Will people judge me? The list goes on and on.
However, there is an equally long list of the benefits that you and your baby may gain from going and below are just a few of these. For each benefit I have added a link to one of my Baby Club Diaries. This will show how activities we do at baby groups are benefiting you and your baby
Check out my Baby Club Diaries – Playing with Paper
Language and numeracy are being introduced to babies all the time. Often you won’t even realise you are doing it. What’s nice about taking part in activities at a baby club is that they often highlight the words, numbers, actions, colours, objects very specifically. Making you think about what the focus of the activity is. Once you start applying the way you think at a baby group to everyday interactions suddenly everything is an opportunity to learn or reinforce words and numbers.
Check out my Baby Club Diaries – Playing with Gloves
At a baby group your child will be introduced to a host of activities, toys, and landscapes that they will have to interact with. This will mean they have to move and react to their surroundings which will in turn aid physical development. Your baby may see another baby walking and be inspired to try. Your baby may get very vocal at a baby group, therefore developing muscles in the face and mouth which are eventually used for speech. This is just the tip of the iceberg, there are so many things happening at a baby club that will help in this respect.
Check out my Baby Club Diaries – Playing with a Ball
As a dad, it can sometimes take a little longer to form a strong bond with your baby. This is normal and no dads should feel strange if they are experiencing this. For that reason, a dad spending time with his baby in a setting without his partner can help that bond form. Baby groups are perfect for this and though it may be a struggle at first, the bond formed by persevering is more than worth it. Also more dads need to be hands on from the start as it makes a huge difference to the family dynamic. One that everyone will benefit from.
Check out my Baby Club Diaries – Playing with Socks
Singing songs is one of the best ways for your child to learn something at an early age. That’s why singing is often done at baby groups. But what makes singing extra special is that it’s not only rhythm and coordination that benefit. It can also help with all of the benefits mentioned above.
Check out any of my Baby Club Diaries and you’ll see how singing can help.
It’s important that we hear from those of you out there living it. Are you a dad that attends a baby group? Do you avoid baby groups because you’re a dad? Would a baby club help you? Can you recommend a good baby group for dads in the UK?
Please leave your comments in the section below and share this post with other parents, the more the merrier. And remember, mums you are an integral part of this. We can’t improve things for dads and help make changes without you. So please, please, help even if it’s just sharing a post or making a suggestion.
Look forward to hearing from you
N
Often when talking about hands-on dads the conversation naturally finds its way to dads and baby groups. It’s a big topic and after speaking to a few people, there are some things we need to put out there. Hopefully this will help increase numbers and get more of a male presence at groups in the UK.
The short answer is yes they do go to baby groups. However, I don’t think the number reflects how many dads are being hands-on. I’m sure if you compared dads who take their kids to an after school club with the number of hands on dads you’d get a much better correlation. Someone should conduct a survey, I couldn’t find anything online. What we need to do is look at why some dads aren’t making it to their local baby groups (if there are any. Check here to see if there is one near you.). Once we know the reasons, then we can take steps towards making groups more accessible to fathers.
It’s not easy going to a baby group for the first time. Like anything new we all have our apprehensions. Below are some of the reasons and… erm… excuses (just being honest lads) that dads give for not attending baby groups. For each reason I will make suggestions for overcoming the problem. But please do add your own thoughts, feelings, experiences and advice in the comments below. I’ll even add some of the more pertinent comments in this section to make sure they are seen.
There are many reasons dads should go to baby groups and I have outlined some of the main reasons in the 'Why Go To Baby Clubs' post. In the mean time if you would like to see how activities performed in ‘The Baby Club’ can help your baby, head on over to my Baby Club Diaries. You’ll be surprised how everyday play with your little one can help development. Finally if you would like to try out a Dad and Baby Group near you, Check out our definitive list of Dad Groups in the UK.
It’s important that we hear from those of you out there living it. Have you avoided baby groups as a dad? Do you regularly go to baby groups as a dad? Have you had a good/bad experience as a dad at baby groups?
Please leave your comments in the section below and share this post with other parents, the more the merrier. And remember, mums you are an integral part of this. We can’t improve things for dads and help make changes without you. So please, please, help if it’s just sharing a post or making a suggestion.
Look forward to hearing from you
N
