Being able to identify what we feel, for most adults, can cause uncomfortable thoughts, raised anxiety and, at times, panic. Let alone having the notion of being able to articulate and express, within a discussion, how someone or something is making you feel, good or bad. This can be the same situation for many of our children – some children find it extremely difficult to communicate their feelings. Hence often, it's easier for a child to pinpoint and explain more obvious feelings such as; ‘Happy’ or ‘Excited’, when feelings like ‘Bored’ or even a polar opposite ‘Elated’ are not as recognisable. Even ‘Angry’ or ‘Disappointed’ can be hard to explain what the feeling is, how it looks and what to do with it, especially when referring to ourselves. Which is why communicating with Children is so important.
There are many benefits that come out of communicating with children about feelings, for example; the skill to understand oneself and both people and the world around you or creating opportunities for honest and real conversations. However, if the topic of feelings and emotions are left out of our chats, there can be many outcomes. These can include low self-esteem, anger issues and more. Not only within our children but also within the family home.
Below, I touch on why it is imperative to communicate with children about feelings, including when and how. And I end with a little advice on how to approach difficult subjects with them and a resource list to refer to; because lets face it doesn’t end here.
It is important for everyone involved, that includes the child, siblings, grandparents, Teachers and YOU, that sensitive subjects are given both time and effort from all. Children need time to understand, process and adjust to unfamiliar things and in this instance the topic of feelings can be quite ‘alien’ to say the least. Further effort goes a long way – if certain behaviours are modelled for children they are more likely to copy and paste in other situations. If your efforts don’t work the first time try, try again – consistency is key and power!
With these ingredients along with ensuring that the child’s needs are at the core of any conversation or discussion really helps. Make it meaningful for children by ensuring that their interests and communicative preference and strengths are at the forefront of your approach.
* The ability to self-regulate involves three key factors:
It’s important that we hear from those of you out there living it. Has this post helped you? Have you got requests or suggestions for more posts focused on communicating with children?
Please leave your comments in the section below and share this post and other Dadvengers Posts with other dads and parents. The more the merrier. And remember, Mums, Grandparents, Carers, Parenting Professionals you are an integral part of this. We can’t improve things for dads and help make changes without you. So please help, even if it’s just sharing a post or making a suggestion.
Look forward to hearing from you
Dadvengers
You’ve bumbled through the first 36 months and somehow your child seems to be adjusting well to living in this world with you as a parent. You’ve navigated sleepless nights, weaning, teething, crawling, walking, the terrible twos, potty training and more. Now…supposedly… you’ve got to pack your little one off for a few hours a day. How are they going to cope with the transition to school or nursery? How are YOU going to cope? Stop, take a breath, you’ve got this.
As with most aspects of parenting, everyone has different worries about each challenge they face, and essentially we all come up with the solution that best suits us. But here are a few things to think about when preparing to send the apple of your eye into the big wide world of further education for the first time. Sorry, I meant nursery (I jumped ahead a couple of years😜).
Talk to your school or nursery and see what sort of pastoral care they offer. Often schools have dedicated members of staff whose job it is to ensure the mental and physical welfare of your child while in their care. If you have any concerns, they can offer help and advice on anything you are worried about.
Prepare your child. A pastoral care professional once told me something that made a lot of sense. They said if your child knows the 10 things they will be doing during their school day, that’s 10 less things they have to worry about. A lot of anxieties around starting school or nursery come from not knowing what to expect. The more you prepare and know what to expect the less likely you are to be worried.
It’s ok to feel separation anxiety. School or nursery can mean you spend less time with your highly demanding ‘Daddy watch this, Daddy watch this…’ whirlwind. It’s only natural for you to miss that time with them. So don’t be surprised when the tears start streaming down your face as you walk/drive away after drop off. And if it’s not you it’s likely to be your partner so be ready to be that shoulder to cry on. Which bring us nicely to my next point.
Support your partner or talk to someone who can support you. Men especially can get caught up in their own feelings. You may find it difficult, but talk to those around you who may also be involved in the situation. Whether you are a married couple, co-parents, or a single parent, talking to other people can really help. They might have their own worries and concerns and you may be able to help each other. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Try to stay calm and don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your nursery hero. Children pick up on your anxieties without you specifically talking about them. The more nervous you are the more nervous your child may become. Everything doesn’t have to work out on the first day. This is a transition period and you have plenty of time to settle and get comfortable with things. So why worry? You’ll get there in the end.
Hopefully I’ve given you a little food for thought and helped alleviate some of your worries about the transition to school or nursery. If you are dad, or you know a dad who might be interested in this or any other parenting subject make sure you share the Dadvengers content with them. We are a supportive online community whose primary goal is to support dads on their journey through parenthood. Mums, Grandparents, Carers, Uncles, Aunties, are all a key part of that support so you are all welcome here too.
Hope to see you at one of our Live Dad Chats soon
Nigel
When you're due to get up at 3:30am to go to work the last thing you want is somebody waking you up at half-past midnight. That's what my wife did when she had a positive pregnancy test though. Then she was sent for blood tests which confirmed it. Being the forward planner she is, she immediately ordered and bought a pram. A couple of days go by and we head in for our first scan at the hospital. They do not prepare you or warn you whatsoever that they are about to give you big news. "There's two heartbeats, so you're having twins!". Bam. Jawdrop moment. Wave of emotion. What will we do?! I’m one of those dads expecting twins! Well, it turns out we will return a pram and hunt for a twin pram instead!
As with any pregnancy you can never be 100% prepared but in this situation you have doubled the unpredictability. Having a twin pregnancy you fall into a category of high risk pregnancies and therefore have more hospital visits and scans (so get ready for that). My wife suffered terribly with sickness throughout the pregnancy, often completely incapacitated by it. Cue my first daddy duty, cleaning sick buckets etc, and this was just the beginning. By the time we went for our last scan, growth had slowed, so they decided the best course of action would be to get them out. Tomorrow. 24hrs notice on a c-section which my wife had ideally wanted to avoid. There are many days in my life that I've forgotten but that 24hr window will stay with me forever. The day my beautiful babies arrived and changed the world I knew in the most extreme but fantastic way.
Fortunately I don’t know any different and so cant really say if it's harder or easier to have 2 babies but I can tell you a few things I learnt that nobody tells you about twins and multiples.
If you had nothing else to do in the world except look after a child then you might be able to give them enough attention to keep them from crying most of the time. Reality is, we all have things we need to do regularly that stop this from happening, and it's only natural for there to be tears in childhood. When you are caring for twins though, there are certain things you can only do with one at a time, and the other one is going to cry. Changing nappies, playing a game, getting them changed, getting them out of a bath, putting them in a bath, etc etc.
I try to keep it even and fair between them in who does things first but I highly doubt they see it that way. Once you come to terms with the fact that you can’t be in two places at once this things get easier.
If I can make it once round the park without a complete stranger saying one of these witty comments to me then either it's raining or I've forgotten to bring the kids.
Genuinely have no idea why so many people think that we want to hear it, or that they are the first person to ever say it to us.
FYI They're not trouble, they're lovely. Of course I've got my bloody hands full these boys are the size of rugby players. Nothing is buy one get one free, it's buy two pay for two.
Creativity is not something that comes naturally to me, I'm not artistic or particularly emotionally expressive. However, where there's a will there's a way, and having twins gives you a hell of a lot of will. Sure, this is true of all parenting but when you have teething twins who need the nations favourite pain relief product for under 3’s and you don't want to overdose one and give the other nothing, you quickly discover a creative talent you never had. Suddenly I can use two hands to spoon food into two mouths, I can see hazards approaching while simultaneously doing the action song, and I can do 15 voices for 8 characters every night of the week.
Those are my 3 essentials for the early years with twins but there are also questions I know most dads expecting twins will still have running through there heads. I have answered these as best possible below but the answers to these will vary depending on your situation. Hopefully my answers will guide you with your own answers.
There are very few things that you can only buy one of. Clothes, nappies, food, wipes, milk, bedding, toys (generally) will all need to be doubled up. Wherever you can save money, do it. You only need one changing table, one prep machine, one bottle sanitiser, white noise machine, etc. If you or the kids can only use one at a time then don't buy two. Also, high cost items such as a motorised baby basket are not to every child's liking, so if you are going to get them then buy one first and test it out with both babies. Easier to sell one item than two if your babies don't use them or need them.
I expected babies to be a massive financial drain and for us to scrape by, but with proper planning and budgeting you'll get by. We stockpiled nappies and wipes pre-birth and I think we only bought wipes about 1 year in. I would definitely recommend cheeky wipes (or any re-usable wipes) as a more environmentally friendly option.
This will be different for everyone but the biggest thing here is to try and have some sort of support network around you while also working together. Whether that taking it in shifts with your partner or having granparents or aunties and uncles around its gonna help massively.
I was lucky enough to have paternity leave, parental leave and annual leave to give me the first month of my twins lives off work. During this time we were figuring everything out together and pretty much just surviving! Then I returned to work, and eventually my wife returned to work also. We were lucky enough to have a support network in place that meant I could work full time and my wife worked 3 days a week, then later on, full time aswell. I worked earlies (4am till 1pm) and she worked lates (12pm/4pm till midnight). It was a rough couple of years to be brutally honest, working full time and solo parenting when at home.
One of the most important things for dads expecting twins to think about is routine, routine, routine. I absolutely stand by routine. Without a fairly strict routine it would have been impossible to get to this point! When one wakes, we wake the other. When one eats, they both eat. Bedtime routine has been pretty much the same since 4 weeks old. They started skipping a night feed at 14 weeks ish, and have slept well ever since. We never put them down before 7:30pm and never keep them up later than 8:30pm. You need to find the routine that works for you and stick with it.
I’m not going to say I’ve never got it wrong but for me, James was a pound heavier than Max so for the first 6 months I could tell if I picked them up. Then once they developed their own personalities, I could tell them apart after a few moments. Most of the time it's a case of a slightly different physical attribute, like who’s got shorter hair. As long as they both get fed, bathed and the right medicine etc then my job as a parent is done. They have a lifetime of being called the wrong name and also pulling pranks on people so we try not to worry about it too much!
As dads expecting twins there so many more questions you may have and far more things I wasn't prepared for when it came to parenthood. Most of these inside my own head though. The thing is… part of the joy of being a parent is learning the answers to these questions as you get to know your own children. I have many more things to look forward to on my journey, and they are coming faster than I can prepare for. I wouldn't change a single moment though, and I'm becoming proud of the dad my boys are turning me in to.
It’s important that we hear from those of you out there living it. Has this post helped you? Have you got requests or suggestions for more posts focused on twins and multiple births?
Please leave your comments in the section below and share this post and other Dadvengers Posts with other dads and parents. The more the merrier. And remember, Mums, Grandparents, Carers, Parenting Professionals you are an integral part of this. We can’t improve things for dads and help make changes without you. So please help, even if it’s just sharing a post or making a suggestion.
Look forward to hearing from you
Dadvengers
Often when talking about hands-on dads the conversation naturally finds its way to dads and baby groups. It’s a big topic and after speaking to a few people, there are some things we need to put out there. Hopefully this will help increase numbers and get more of a male presence at groups in the UK.
The short answer is yes they do go to baby groups. However, I don’t think the number reflects how many dads are being hands-on. I’m sure if you compared dads who take their kids to an after school club with the number of hands on dads you’d get a much better correlation. Someone should conduct a survey, I couldn’t find anything online. What we need to do is look at why some dads aren’t making it to their local baby groups (if there are any. Check here to see if there is one near you.). Once we know the reasons, then we can take steps towards making groups more accessible to fathers.
It’s not easy going to a baby group for the first time. Like anything new we all have our apprehensions. Below are some of the reasons and… erm… excuses (just being honest lads) that dads give for not attending baby groups. For each reason I will make suggestions for overcoming the problem. But please do add your own thoughts, feelings, experiences and advice in the comments below. I’ll even add some of the more pertinent comments in this section to make sure they are seen.
There are many reasons dads should go to baby groups and I have outlined some of the main reasons in the 'Why Go To Baby Clubs' post. In the mean time if you would like to see how activities performed in ‘The Baby Club’ can help your baby, head on over to my Baby Club Diaries. You’ll be surprised how everyday play with your little one can help development. Finally if you would like to try out a Dad and Baby Group near you, Check out our definitive list of Dad Groups in the UK.
It’s important that we hear from those of you out there living it. Have you avoided baby groups as a dad? Do you regularly go to baby groups as a dad? Have you had a good/bad experience as a dad at baby groups?
Please leave your comments in the section below and share this post with other parents, the more the merrier. And remember, mums you are an integral part of this. We can’t improve things for dads and help make changes without you. So please, please, help if it’s just sharing a post or making a suggestion.
Look forward to hearing from you
N
